


Painful Confessions

by LeoRodger24



Category: Fleabag (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Sex, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love Confessions, Religion, Swearing, i should be asleep, lots of swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:40:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21909853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeoRodger24/pseuds/LeoRodger24
Summary: Two and a half years after he left her at the bus stop, she goes back to the church for a confession.
Relationships: Fleabag/Priest (Fleabag)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 79





	Painful Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> So I watched all of Fleabag yesterday and I am in no way okay with the ending, so this is what I want to have happened.  
> I didn't expect this fic to be as long as this but whatever.  
> I honestly didn't notice until the end how we don't know a few of the names in the show, I've seen people referring to the main character just as 'Fleabag' but I'm not sure if that's right so I just stuck with pronouns for this fic.  
> Hope you guys enjoy!

He had told her to stay away from the church, he made it clear that he didn’t want to see her again, but also so clear that it was what he wanted more than anything.

Perhaps she shouldn’t have taken him so seriously, she had never really prioritised keeping vows before, she’d shagged plenty of married men in her life without caring that they were breaking theirs, but something about him seemed different. No matter how much she wanted him, how much she missed him, she wouldn’t be the cause of him breaking his vows to God. It was probably one of the first truly selfless things she had ever done for anyone, it was killing her, but she stayed far away from the church, from the bus stop where he had left her, and from the M&S where he bought his gin and tonic. If she saw him, she was afraid all her resolve might crumble, and she wouldn’t be able to stay away.

+++

It had been a little over two and a half years since he had walked away at the bus stop and broken her heart, that’s exactly what it felt like, she was broken. She felt empty inside for months before she realised that if she let herself spiral down any further then she would never get out, so she poured all of her love and devotion that she couldn’t give to him into the café instead. After her mother died, Boo said she would willingly take all of her leftover love, so that’s where she put it after he left, she channelled it all into the café that Boo had loved so much. She was almost okay again now, but she still felt an empty space inside that seemed to ache when she thought of him.

Then she saw him from across the road one day, only for a second but a second was enough, all of the feelings she had been repressing for so long seemed to surge inside her and she struggled to breathe for a moment. She turned and hurried away before he could spot her, trying to control her breathing and stop the tears that suddenly welled in her eyes. It felt like a panic attack, but she hadn’t had one since the weeks after Boo died. Back then it was from grief and guilt, so much guilt, but now it was about a boy, and she felt so stupid. So fucking stupid.  
He didn’t see her. At least she thought he didn’t. 

She didn’t hear him calling for her as she ran away.

+++

It was about two weeks later, maybe three, and she still couldn’t get him out of her head and her heart. It was almost as if the last two and a half years hadn’t happened, it was like he had just left her at the bus stop yesterday. She was spiralling, she could tell, and she didn’t know how to stop it this time. she could feel all her determination and resolution tumbling down around her.  
She was going to go and see him. She had to see him.

It was late by the time she arrived at the church, and as far as she could see it was empty. She couldn’t do this, she couldn’t speak to him, not after all this time. But she didn’t want to leave the peace the building offered either, so she ducked into the confession stall and drew the curtain across with a quiet swish. There was a ring stain on the little table, quite possibly from the night they’d got drunk and kissed after her ‘confession’, and the thought that any old fucker might see it but not know what had caused it made her giggle a bit.  
There was a movement on the other side of the partition and she heard the priest’s compartment door clicking shut.

“Hello?”

“Hello,” there it was, the rough, lilting accent she had missed so much.

There was an awkward silence that seemed to last years, she was too afraid to speak and he seemed quite comfortable in the quiet.

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It’s been a little over two and a half years since my last confession, though I’m not sure if that was a proper one, it ended suddenly.”

“That’s alright, what’s on your mind?” his voice was slow and soft, caring and so, so gentle and god, she must be insane, what was she doing here? He clearly didn’t know it was her, she couldn’t  
leave without him seeing her, she didn’t know what to do. The sound of his voice was driving her crazy, even though he’d said less than ten words.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“I’m in love with somebody who says he can’t be with me” … and there, she said it, she fucked it all up.

"Me too, it's hard, isn't it” he sounded resigned, tired, almost pained, and it broke her heart just a little bit more than it was already broken to hear him like that, “You can tell me about him, if you’d like, it might help” she didn’t know where to begin. She was a little preoccupied with the revalation that he was still in love with her.

“He’s too good for me, I’ve done some really bad things, some really awful things. He doesn’t know the half of it, and if he did, he wouldn’t want me. I don’t think he would want me. He told me that he loved me but he doesn’t really know me. When we were friends, he knew who I was in that moment but he didn’t know who I had been and I didn’t want him to. “

“Who had you been?”

What the fucking hell was she doing?

“My best friend was my whole world, we were closer than sisters, definitely closer than I was with my real sister, and she died; it was an accident. She – she wanted to hurt herself, to get her cheating scumbag boyfriend to visit her in hospital, to – to get him to try and see her, but she ended up dying and everyone thought it was suicide but it wasn’t, she would never do that, not over a boy, but she might have if she’d known that it was me who her boyfriend slept with,”  
She had never told anybody this before, Claire had worked it out at the funeral but they had never really talked about it, and she had never said half of this shit out loud even to herself before. Tears were running down her face and her breathing was erratic. She thanked god, well maybe not god but whatever, that he couldn’t see her face right now. She slid to the floor of the confession booth and rested her head in her hands, staining them with her mascara.

“I got so incredibly drunk and slept with my best friend’s boyfriend and then she tried to hurt herself and then killed herself and two other people with her, by accident, and it’s all because of me. I’ve lost everybody that matters to me. Boo killed herself, my mother died, my evil godmother/stepmother turned my father against me, my sister moved away and then the man I love told me he never wanted to see me again, and I miss them all so much, every single fucking second, and it hurts and I feel so empty all of the time and I’m lost, Father, so lost and so alone and so in love with a man who doesn’t want me and that shouldn’t be my main priority right now but it is because missing him is driving me fucking insane.” 

She had to stop for breath and couldn’t help the body-wracking sobs that escaped her. She looked a mess, she felt a mess. She had never really acknowledged the emptiness inside herself, but now that she had she recognised it for what it was, grief. It was overwhelming, soul destroying grief, and it was filling her up and making her curl in on herself in the confession stall and it was hurting her heart so badly that she wanted to scream, but she also felt a sense of calm, soothed by the fact that she could speak to him, she could let this out, and he had no idea who he was and couldn’t judge her. He probably wouldn’t judge her if he did know who she was. She forced herself to slow down and slow her breathing and her loud, ugly sounding hiccups that always happened when she cried. It took a few minutes and several mascara stained tissues but eventually she managed, and continued calmly.

“He left me two and a half years ago Father, and I haven’t stopped loving him. I respect that we can’t be together, I have no intention of fucking up his life, I know that he doesn’t want to be with me but I’ve still changed for him, even though it’s never going to happen. A girl can dream, right? I haven’t had sex with anybody since he left, and that was really fucking difficult. I did try a couple of times a few months after everything but it never got that far and whenever it got close it just felt wrong, I felt like he would know, I felt like god was judging me even though I don’t think I believe in god, no offence.”

“None taken” he chuckled slightly and she could hear his smirk, god she missed that smirk. Urgh, focus.

“I changed my whole life, or my life changed me or something. I knew I had to move on, for him as much as me, and I wanted to be the person he believed I could be. I quit smoking even though he didn’t have a problem with it, I barely drink anymore even though he didn’t have a problem with that either, I just made a lot of bad decisions whenever I got drunk. I patched things up with my sister, I’m going to be an auntie in a month or so, my business is thriving, I’ve paid back all of my loans, I made friends with an ex-bank manager who once accused me of using my tits to get money from him even though I didn’t, I’ve gone to therapy, I’ve stopped fixating on my past mistakes quite so much; but I still feel so empty, even though my life is so full. And I don’t know what to do, Father.”

There was a very long, quiet pause after her monologue, punctuated only by her heavy breathing and one or two sad sighs from him. The madness of the situation seemed to build, at least in her head, and it took all of her energy not to start laughing.

“You really love him”

“I really, really do”

“And you said you were friends first?”

“Yeah, good friends, why?”

“Just … getting all the information, so I can help. Do you know why he left?”

“He couldn’t have sex with me, and he said he couldn’t love me either, or maybe it was that he couldn’t have sex with me because then he would love me, but love is possible without sex, so I  
never understood that argument. And I don’t know why he was so adamant not to love me, I told him I loved him, he said he loved me, but he never wanted to act on it. It was his choice, and I tried to understand, but I never really did.”

“Maybe it was because he didn’t want to fuck everything up, love hurts, nothing lasts forever so why try at all, yada yada yada.”

“Do you really believe that that’s why?”

“No”

“Then why, Father, please just tell me why”

“Maybe he was just wrong, and a tool. A complete fucking tool. He’s probably spent very minute since regretting everything but been too scared and shy and fucking guilty, and thought you’d be too mad, or upset because he knew that he was adding to a long list of people that had left but he didn’t know what else to do because he loved you too fucking much and thought he would only fuck you up. He didn’t know how to have love without sex, and when he said that he would fall in love with you if he did have sex with you he didn’t know that he already was in love with you so deeply but he didn’t know what that feeling was so he ran like a fucking tosser coward because he was afraid of breaking his vows again and he hated himself so much since that he drank himself into oblivion for months and nearly got kicked out of the fucking church which he honestly thought would be a fucking blessing because then he WOULDN’T NEED TO FUCKING CHOOSE BETWEEN YOU AND GOD. EVERY. FUCKING. DAY! Every. Fucking. Day.” His voice broke, and she could tell that he was crying too, and she was embarrassed for a second that it took her almost a full minute to process everything that he had said.

“I never said he was a priest”

He had said he missed her.  
He had said he was wrong.  
He had said that he was a tool for leaving.  
He had said that he regretted it.  
He had said he could love her now. Had he said that or had she filled in the blanks? Whatever.

“You didn’t have to; I know it’s you.”

Fuck  
Fucking Fuckity Fuck

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come, I just wanted to see you, then I chickened out and hid in here, but you came in and I couldn’t leave if I wanted t and –” 

“It’s okay.”

There was a click of the door and a swish of the curtain and then he was there, sliding down the wooden wall to sit with her on the floor.

“I missed you”

“I missed you too”

“I’m sorry, about everything”

“It’s alright”

He took her hand in his and sighed sadly. He was torn inside, he would leave the church for her, if she asked. He knew that now. He loved her. More than he loved God.

“I’m not going to ask you to break your vows. I won’t ever do that. And I’m not going to let you try and break them either.” He let out the breath that he’d been holding and bowed his head.

“Thank you. I’m sorry it has to be like this.”

“It’s fine. It’s okay, honestly it is. I don’t need sex, I can love you without sex, hell I’ve loved you for years and not had sex since that night. I love you; I’d like to love you as your partner or girlfriend or something along those lines ideally, and I don’t need sex for that. I can love you as a friend though, if that’s what you’d prefer, or I can leave. It’s your call.”

“Did you rehearse this? Seriously – dramatic setting, tear-jerking monologue, heartfelt love confessions, balanced questions; I feel like a character in a rom com,” she snorted and he couldn’t help  
but laugh at her before letting out another heavy sigh, “thank you for not making me choose between you and God, because if you did I would choose you. I don’t think I could ever be just your  
friend, and being around you without being able to … y’know … will be hard as fuck,” he stopped for a moment and she inhaled sharply, fear of being rejected building up inside her when he carried on “but I’m willing to try.” 

She let out a choked sob of relief, and squeezed his hand tightly. She didn’t feel empty anymore. She felt full of light and love and, for the first time in a long, long time, hope.

“There will need to be rules though, I can’t trust ,y judgement around you and I can’t fuck this up.”

“You mean like a safeword? For if one of us gets horny?”

“Essentially, yeah. Guinea pig?”

“No! I’d never be able to look Harriet in the eye again! Foxes?”

“No fucking way! They stalk me everywhere; I’m not having them in that part of my life too”

“To be fair it would be an effective turn off though, how about unicorn?”

“They’re so horny though!”

“That’s the worst pun ever, but it’s fitting. We’re sticking with unicorn.”

Okay

They both smiled and he lent in to kiss her, stopping just before he reached her mouth and whispered, “is this okay?”  
She reached her arm around him, her fingers tangling in his hair and pulled him closer, closing the space between them and kissing him in the softest, sweetest and most gentle way. It lasted forever and not long enough and he wanted more, he knew he would always want more, no matter how much she gave him. She pulled away first, moving her hand down to cup his face, her other hand still in his, trapped at an awkward angle between them but she hadn’t noticed.

“Let’s take it slow”

“Okay”

“I love you”

“I love you too”

The whispered confessions hung happily in the air between them, and for the first time in what felt like forever, they knew that they would be okay.

+++

It was hard, a relationship without sex, but not nearly as hard as they’d expected. The key, they’d found, was communication. They just had to tell each other what they were feeling, what not to do, what was happening, and they were okay. She’d kept her vibrator, and he was fine with that, she knew he wanked from time to time and she was fine with that too. They used ‘unicorns’ frequently at first but gradually less and less, and said ‘I love you’ all the time. They were so happy together, so in love, that she often felt that she was dreaming, but was also terrified of it all coming to an end. She often thought that breaking up was inevitable, but he didn’t agree. Over time she began to have fewer doubts and fewer fears but they still popped in to visit every now and then.

They lived together in her flat, had done from nearly the beginning, and she loved their domesticity and their routines that they had fallen into. He was nearly always awake first and would make her coffee, she would sort breakfast. He would spend time with her in the café when he was free and she sat in on his sermons almost every Sunday. They did the Saturday crossword together and cuddled up to watch films, and went on dates supposedly once a fortnight but in reality, it was a lot more frequently.

They fought and bickered like an old married couple, would call each other a ‘fucking wanker’ and ‘dear’ the next, but both would be said equally lovingly. They disagreed about so much, about nothing more than religion but they balanced their debates and arguments by voicing reassurances of the respect they held for the other’s views. To any outsiders it would seem like a completely fucking insane arrangement but everything seemed to come so naturally to them that they barely ever thought of it as bizarre, whenever they did, they had a good laugh.

They kissed all of the time, regularly got funny looks in public for horribly affectionate PDA, and were rarely in the same room without touching, whether it was just holding hands, leaning on one another, sitting closely together or anything else. They were just in love and happy, so incredibly happy.

They always were.

And they always would be.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, I should be asleep but instead this happened, no regrets.  
> I really hope you enjoyed this, please leave kudos/comments and I'm open to constructive criticism as well, I don't have a Beta or a proof reader so please tell me if you spot any errors or inconsistencies, or just think of things I can improve on.  
> Thank you for reading and have a lovely day/night <3


End file.
